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About Deviant LeighannFemale/United Kingdom Recent Activity
Deviant for 8 Years
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as requested i left my thoughts locked up,
i left tHem there until you deemed it  was safe,
you seem to have a choice to make,
and though you never asked me to, it’s one i don’t understand.

i know that you may lovE her and you’d do anything for that,
and i am just a friend that would stand by you all and all,
i see that she is important and i won’t argue with you,
but i thought i was important and you cared about me too.

now please don’t misunderstand me,
i never wanted there to be a Choice,
i thought you needed a friend and a lover,
and i knew both would make you happy.

my pride got wounded, as did my Heart,
and now my shields are up against you,
you cannot ship me off, as and when you see fit,
a friendship should never be put on hold.

she asked you to dO one difficult thing,
and you like to think you won’t,
but’s it’s obvious who you think you need,
so i’ll be the one to make it easy for you.

you once broke my heart, as i once brOke yours,
i wanted her to mend yours and i thought she could,
i cannot judge a girl i have never met,
though she has not returned the favour.

i know that she’s your puppet master,
and you are just the fool in love,
although if i’m wrong don’t correct me,
it would be worSe if this is your choice alone.

if you two Ever part and she walks away from you,
don’t think you can pick me up again,
because i won’t give you a second chance,
once you have let me go.

i cried when you first told me,
and again when i wrote this,
i pretend to be strong and tall,
but tHis broke me down a little.

i am not okay with the choice you made,
nor with the words you expressed it in,
i love you but it’s over,
this friEndship that we shared.

i gave you the chance to hurt me,
you neveR took it lightly,
but you took it none-the-less,
you didn’t want to hurt me,
but you didn’t want to lose her.

i’ll leave now without any more fuss,
you came in and i’m walking out,
i wish you and her well,
and i hope you end up happy,
you are now, and always will be,
my darling princess.
He Thought She Made Him Happy

I really thought we were best friends. I thought we would be friends for a long time, but friends don’t do this. Friends don’t drop each other, and I am not okay with it.

“I’ll never get you back. We will never be friends again and I don’t want to be. The worst thing for me was I never knew what I did so I couldn’t defend myself and you never told me so I couldn’t explain. For me, it was just; ‘Right. That’s it. We’re not friends anymore. Oh, and I’m gonna make sure none of your other friends are either. And when you make new friends I’ll come along and I’ll take them too’ ”
She looked at me with false purplextion “What are you talking about?”
“Oh c’mon” I chuckled with little amusement “Karlie, Kristen, Lola. All the girls I was friends with in primary school. Once you and Sadie decided you didn’t want to be friends with me anymore that was it for me. They were all scared of Sadie so no-one was gonna stand up to her, and everybody loved you, so they weren’t gonna stand against you”
“I never wanted to…”
“Didn’t you?! Because as soon as I made new friends; Hattie, Mina, Lucy. You just happened to want be friends with them too”
“We just started talking about starting a band, they play instruments and…”
“What and it was just coincidence that you had never spoken to them before hand? That you had never even looked at them twice.”
“Sadie just…”
“I know what Sadie just. But we’re not talking about her. It was obvious she wanted to hurt me, that was apparent, to everyone, for years. But we are talking about you. Did you want to hurt me?”
“Of course not!”
“Forgive me if I don’t believe you” The sarcasm in my voice was met with a frown from her. “But I was happy. I finally had friends that cared about me! Did you know, they actually asked me how I was and they actually cared? They wanted to know, and if I was upset, they wanted to help! They didn’t think I was doing it for attention because despite what Sadie told you, bad things really happened and sometimes my life sucked. And maybe I would’ve been happier if my friends actually gave a shit and supported me when I needed it.”
“I did care about you. You were my best friend.” I sighed as she looked down at her lap. Maybe she was telling the truth, I changed my tone to a gentle plea. “Then why was it so easy to abandon me?”
“I was hurt by what you did.” I sighed with frustration and took a deep breath to calm myself. “I still don’t know what that was! I have wracked my brain again and again and again and I still can’t find anything I could’ve done that warranted the punishment you guys dished out for me.” She looked up with confusion in her eyes and examined my face. Was she checking for sincerity, because I couldn’t have been more honest at this point. “One thing with you Leighann.” She looked me right in the eye for the first time in a very long time “Is that I could always tell when you were lying.” But I’m not, I thought. Does she still think I’m lying?! “And that was why I always doubted that she was telling the truth.” She continued “I thought I knew Sadie and I know she loved me and what she told me was so horrible that I thought no-one would ever make it up.”
“My sisters best friends Dad died and a week after it happened; someone told her that my sister said she was happy that her Dad had died. Some people can just be plain cruel.”
“I know. Sadie could always be vindictive...”
“But you still don’t believe that she lied.”
“I still don’t want to.”
“Hmph” I rolled my eyes and pursed my lips. I was starting to feel that this was never going to be fixed.
“Don’t do that.” She pleaded as I pulled an expression that asked why not. “I still have her. She is still my best friend!”
“And she still hurt me and took MY best friend and ALL my other friends away! And I still don’t know the reason!” My voice rose and I could feel the anger boiling inside of me. “Exactly!” She replied “She ruined our friendship. And no matter what I say or do now, you will always remember that I believed her without even asking you first. I did what she said and ruined your life simply because she was persuasive. So even if you forgive all that, you will never forget it and we will never be the same!” She was right. The rage simmered down and turned to sadness. We would never be the same. I would never be able to trust her again. She was just trying to hold onto a friendship she still had, even if it was with the wrong friend. “I guess it would be a shame if you lost her.” I didn’t know if there was sarcasm in my voice and I couldn’t tell if I wanted there to be. She looked up at me and said “If I did, then losing you would’ve been pointless. I can’t handle knowing that I lost you for a fake, manipulative friend.” I always thought I needed the explanation. But now I see maybe she needs not to have one. She needs to believe that it was all true. And I struggled to think of what to say. She looked at me and started to say what I thought I had wanted to hear for all these years. “She told me tha-“
“Don’t!” I stopped her midsentence and said words I didn’t even know I wanted to say “I don’t want to know.”
“I thought that’s what hurt the most. That you didn’t know. That you never got the chance to explain or defend yourself!” I could understand her confusion but she could never understand mine. “And what good would it do now?!” I asked and what I really wanted to say was “If it turns out that she told the truth, you’ll be hurt all over again knowing I actually did that. Knowing for sure that I hurt you on purpose and that you had doubted Sadie all these years. But if you found out she lied you’d have to live with the fact that you lost me because she told you not to ask questions. You’d have to live with the fact that who you thought was your best friend was just a cruel liar who hurt both of us on purpose and whichever one of those options it turns out to be you’d have to live with the fact that you couldn’t even trust your best friend. And I don’t think you could handle either of those scenarios.” But she didn’t need to hear that and it wouldn’t help me to say it. So instead I choose the kinder but still true option and replied. “What good would that do now?! I couldn’t handle knowing that Sadie was my best friend and lied to you just to hurt me so badly, while hurting you in process. And why? Because she felt like it? Because she got a kick out of ruining my life. And I certainly couldn’t handle knowing you believed it all. And if I did it. If whatever she told you was true, I’d have to live with that too.” I shook my head, stood up and kissed her on the head. “It’s time we both moved on and excepted that we will never be friends again.” I took a few steps then turned around to see her looking at me and I said “Oh and, I do forgive you. And I haven’t hated you for a long while” The actual truth was that I didn’t need to know anymore. I was over it and I was over her.
20 - A Teenage Girl Fantasy

It’s a story about an explanation I’ll never get.

This one’s a little different as it’s not a poem. But honestly, this seemed like the only way I could truly express how I feel about this situation. Writing this helped me a lot because the last line of this was never true. Until I finished this piece.

I was looking back at all my poems and my journal entries, and well some are expressive and others are not I realised they all had one thing in common. They were ignorant. I was ignorant. I realised how selfish I was. I had friends I constantly pushed aside (One in particular, and I hope he knows who he is). I complained I had no friends, to my friends who were always there! Without a doubt, they would drop everything and be by my side, especially when I told them I didn't need them, but they knew better. And even if they were in a different country, and I was going though a particularly tough time, they would write me a poem.  Because that's all they could do at that point, and it was all I needed. I don't even know if I thanked him for that.
Some would message me and not even complain when I took weeks to reply because I was too busy wallowing and being too self-involved to pay attention to anyone else. I liked to act selfless and kind but it's about time I stepped off my high horse and took a good look at myself.

I feel like I have lost them and I feel like I have deserved to. They deserves better than me and I'm surprised they stuck around for so long. I don't want this to sound petty or pathetic or like I'm looking for sympathy, because I'm not. This is me swallowing my pride and admitting this was my fault. I did them wrong and I'm sorry.
  • Mood: Regretful
  • Drinking: Tuppa Tea

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HugQueen Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2014   Writer
Happy birthday! <3
Lankadoodle Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2014
Bit of a late reply, but thanks!
Devereux-Hyde Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013
Thanks for adding me, sweet!
Lankadoodle Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013
My pleasure! I always look forward to your work ^.^
Unwanted-Insanity Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013
Thanks for the fav, hun!
Lankadoodle Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013
I absolutely love that photo...
Unwanted-Insanity Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013
Hehe I used to be fairly photogenic back then xD
Lankadoodle Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013
are beautiful
(1 Reply)
HugQueen Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013   Writer
:hug: Just because! How are you doing? Happy [really] belated new years!
Lankadoodle Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013
Naw... That's lovely ^.^ I'm ok thanks, things can be stressful but smilin none the less =D
How are you??

Happy belated new years!
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